You are a disappointment

New York 

August 19, 1999 

“Why…and why on earth do you want to be circumcised?” she asked in an authoritative tone, but it was way too late as we were both in the hospital for the surgery. “Because I love you, and I want to stay longer in bed,” I chuckled. 

December 21, 1999 

“I need to go to close a deal I was behind for quite some time now,” I kissed her on forehead, “and I will be back on Christmas.” 

“Bye Aron,” She called my name and wished me luck. 

I boarded my flight to Afghanistan. 

Kabul 

December 22, 1999 

“Dorood,” I greeted Hamid – Leader of بدون نام – which translates to ‘unnamed’ because followers of Allah must have no name, and the deeds done for Allah should be done anonymously.  

“Dorood,” he replied, “hale shoma chetor ast?” 

“I am good,” I replied to his question asking about my wellbeing.  

“I believe you have become one of us on the very day of this country’s independence by performing ‘Khatna’?”  

“Yes, and now my name is Aarif.” I was accepted gracefully by 'them' as one of 'them'. 

“Allah hu Akbar” they all chanted loudly. 

Kandhar 

December 24, 1999 

“Bismillah,” I uttered those holy words and killed an Indian hostage on the hijacked plane. His name was Rishabh Katyal. 

There was no going back now. 

New York 

September 09, 2001 

“Sorry baby I am late,” I kissed her and impaled my knife into her ‘Vena Cava’ to make sure she dies instantly by losing too much of blood. ‘They would have killed her anyway,’ I thought with a stoic expression looking at her dead body and turned away. 

September 11, 2001 

Attack on World Trade Center. "Oh my god!!!” I uttered those words after I saw the twin towers falling. World trade centre was falling.  

December 11, 2001 

After torturing me, and suspecting that I had a role in ‘September 11’ (just because I was circumcised and I went to Afghanistan) they let me go to my country, and I believed I was late for the work I have been assigned by my country – to protect her from any external threat beforehand, eliminating or informing about those threats to the security agency via encrypt code messaging. 

New Delhi 

December 13, 2011 

Attack on Indian parliament. I failed, but I was able to save the most prominent leaders of my country. 14 dead including 5 militants, 18 Non-fatal injuries, and all I got to hear was, ‘You’re a disappointment.’ 

My name is Aarit and I am confused. I killed a man of my own nationality to be one of ‘them’ whom we call terrorists, the evil minded; to save those who planned an equally ‘evil’ idea – the prominent leaders of my country: to be one of ‘them’ at any ‘cost’. 

Who is wrong!!! Who is right!!! What is love – is love an infatuation towards a religion like those so called unnamed بدون نام or is love defined as to protecting our Mother land by killing one of our own, in the case of mine?  

I changed names – Aron, Aarif, Aarit, religions, stabbed my girlfriend, shot one of my own, 9 of my own got killed for no reason, 18 were left paralyzed or mutilated. Isn’t it too much of a ‘cost’ to be one of ‘them’. 

Yes, I am a big disappointment.