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Hope and love!

Dear Diary Things are fucked up. I really mean it. Aimless, jobless, clueless — happiness gone, frustrated, angry, and what not: thank you ...

Tuesday 5 September 2017

The Father

PRESENT DAY

“TP53 – that is what we need.” Morris said and was eagerly waiting for my next question.
“What about AEM?” I didn’t disappoint him despite we both were silent and afraid for different reasons.
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I was operating my son, and it was more of replacing his head with that of an elephant in a layman’s term. I still remember that day:

June 28, 2016
Anvi’s Birthday

“Hello Ma’am, Happy belated birthday. I hope I don’t ever forget your birthday.” I said and planted a kiss on her forehead.
“Where is my gift?” She always looks beautiful when she asks with her eyes wide open in innocence, which is the reason I never am able to hear her the first time.
“I…gift...???” I was mesmerized.
“Yeah! My gift.”
“I just gave you,” I said, still looking at her calm eyes to find myself while making gestures with my hands to be more convincing.
“Your kiss on the forehead…” she shied away.

Doorbell rang.

“No. I was talking about the HOPE-of-not-forgetting-your-birthday promise,” I pushed her and ran away to open the door – the door to my never-ending effort of proving myself, to prove I am not failed.
“Hey Anvi, we got the reports.” I said while tearing the sealed letter and further reading it for more disappointments.

I was taken aback.

It took me no time to realize that this is something which was not supposed to happen.

“Anvi, Avighna has cancer – brain cancer.” I said in a normal tone looking at her face without a single blink forwarding the reports to her.
“OK,” She said and turned away her face maintaining her composure.
“Anvi,” I said and she turned back again.
“You always knew that, you bloody knew this shit,” She still was not shouting.
“I am sorry,” my effort to mollify her was of no benefit, and I knew that.
“I told you to fuck TERT, immortality of cells and all the shits related to cancer. How could bloody single of you can save the world from cancer. My son is dying and who the fuck is responsible – YOU,” she was angry and she doesn’t know the limits when she is angry contrary to me who never hurled abuses at her, “this shit was genetic, and you knew that, so don’t ever think that I would understand.”
“Anvi, Kartik is fine, how come he is good?” I tried to manipulate so that I could just find a solution.
“That was in 2013, before you involved in THE FUCKING EXPERIMENT.” The tear dropped and her voice was much harsher than it should be.
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THE EXPERIMENT

I work at NCBI. In 2013, they came across TERT and all I wanted was to be a part of it. I was enthusiastic that I would be a part of something that would help in saving lives. We were losing 11%-25% of humans every year due to cancer and several researches have confirmed that Cancer is a genetic disease. So, it was worth trying.
I met Anvi in 2012. She was hard working woman with aspirations to touch the sky, no less than that; I was doing nothing, but I was witty (and it’s true, girls do love witty guys). …And I was/am good looking (that is my OWN opinion). I got my first job as Bioinformatics Engineer, but I was willing to do more than just being an Engineer. I wanted to explore more into this, and I applied for the position of being a Research Associate, and I was not selected on my merit, but my willingness to contribute to their experimental tests which involved my genes to be experimented in their controlled test environment, to which I agreed.
I never knew that it would have such an impact – we have two sons – Kartik and Avighna. My first son was born in 2013, but it was after that I involved myself in THE EXPERIMENT which lead to such consequence. Avighna’s brain cancer reached a level where all medical terms related to Cancer started making sense to me: be it telomerase, TERT, Synonymous mutations, Non-synonymous mutations, chromosomes or any other shit involved related to cancer. The experiment took a toll on my genes.
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“Anvi, listen to me. This is not the time to fight, I need you more than I could have ever,” I held her hand while she was trying to unclench still not looking at me.
“FUCK YOU ANAGH!!!” I lost my grip. She never takes my name (especially while abusing me).
Taking the name has nothing to do with husband’s-name-shouldn’t-be-taken but she believes in my name and it makes her love me more, and that signified she still believes in me but the mother inside her was not ready to forgive me. My name stands for the one who cannot do wrong, without error, sinless.
“He is my son as well. I know you are a mother and I can’t really understand what you are going through, but I am his father as well, and it is pretty much impossible for anyone but a father to know what he feels when his son is…” I broke myself into tears but that didn’t move her at all.

She walked away.

I cried. A father always dreams his son as his only friend whom he can rely and trust when he becomes old. His son is his only friend who will answer to his unending questions when he will become too old. His son is his only friend with whom he can easily rant about his mother without thinking much. His son is his only friend who can drink with him when he is feeling alone. His son is his only follower who can fight the world because his papa is the best. His son is his last wish in which he wishes to be funerated by him not before him.
Worlds knows about motherly love, but it is difficult to know or understand or see how a father loves. It is difficult to understand for even a son to understand the same until he becomes a father. It is very difficult to play a father.

I spent 17 months researching about the same and each passing moment was leading my son closer to his eyes closing forever. Those 17 months when I needed Anvi the most I was left alone. I sobbed, cried, whined, and shunned myself in a corner.
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Present day
“Anagha, listen to me very carefully – we are going to replace the AEM genes of an elephant to your son’s AEM genes because Elephant contains 20 TP53 which not only will eliminate cancer but also will prevent him from getting impacted again, and by the way he was unable to inherit one TP53 from you which is also a reason for his cancer, but Anvi made her contribution in that pretty well. So, the challenge is to provide his brain ample amount of oxygen, and you do understand if this works, he will no longer be human but more of a superhuman. His brain would require 80% more oxygen than we intake, so we need to give him something through which he can breathe more oxygen. Might be an extra nasal cannula?” Morris was nervous.

“This is the 23rd time you are explaining me the entire experiment. We don’t know what would be its impact, whether he would live or not… whether his brain would work faster than any single person on this earth, whether he would be able to breathe through an extra nasal cannula. We are bloody replacing his head with an Elephant, what else could go wrong,” I was talking haphazardly and languishing with each passing moment, “…and don’t tell Anvi about TP53, which I was unable…”

“Nothing can go wrong,” Morris said to me but he was pacifying himself more than just telling me.

Morris and I zeroed in on extra nasal cannula specially made for humans from Arizona state University which can be used just like a human part.

I met Anvi for the first time after such a long time. She came with Avighna.

“Anagha, tell me you are not going to let Avighna die,” Anvi was teary and she was taking names.
“I promise you.”
Morris and I left with the the team of Doctors who would be performing this surgery for the next nine and a half hours, while Anvi was chanting ‘Mahamrityunjay Mantra’.
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Outside the hospital in a temple:
“Anvi, your son has proved his name as well, he is our own Ganesha.” I hugged her and cried like a child, staring at Shiva holding Parvati and his son Ganesha in front of me.
My son Avighna was reborn proving himself as Ganesha.  


Sunday 13 August 2017

You are a disappointment

New York 
August 19, 1999 
“Why…and why on earth do you want to be circumcised?” she asked in an authoritative tone, but it was way too late as we were both in the hospital for the surgery. “Because I love you, and I want to stay longer in bed,” I chuckled. 

December 21, 1999 
“I need to go to close a deal I was behind for quite some time now,” I kissed her on forehead, “and I will be back on Christmas.” 
“Bye Aron,” She called my name and wished me luck. 
I boarded my flight to Afghanistan. 

Kabul 
December 22, 1999 
Dorood,” I greeted Hamid – Leader of بدون نام – which translates to ‘unnamed’ because followers of Allah must have no name, and the deeds done for Allah should be done anonymously.  
Dorood,” he replied, “hale shoma chetor ast?” 
“I am good,” I replied to his question asking about my wellbeing.  
“I believe you have become one of us on the very day of this country’s independence by performing ‘Khatna’?”  
“Yes, and now my name is Aarif.” I was accepted gracefully by 'them' as one of 'them'. 
“Allah hu Akbar” they all chanted loudly. 

Kandhar 
December 24, 1999 
“Bismillah,” I uttered those holy words and killed an Indian hostage on the hijacked plane. His name was Rishabh Katyal. 
There was no going back now. 


New York 
September 09, 2001 
“Sorry baby I am late,” I kissed her and impaled my knife into her ‘Vena Cava’ to make sure she dies instantly by losing too much of blood. ‘They would have killed her anyway,’ I thought with a stoic expression looking at her dead body and turned away. 

September 11, 2001 
Attack on World Trade Center. "Oh my god!!!” I uttered those words after I saw the twin towers falling. World trade centre was falling.  

December 11, 2001 
After torturing me, and suspecting that I had a role in ‘September 11’ (just because I was circumcised and I went to Afghanistan) they let me go to my country, and I believed I was late for the work I have been assigned by my country – to protect her from any external threat beforehand, eliminating or informing about those threats to the security agency via encrypt code messaging. 

New Delhi 
December 13, 2011 
Attack on Indian parliament. I failed, but I was able to save the most prominent leaders of my country. 14 dead including 5 militants, 18 Non-fatal injuries, and all I got to hear was, ‘You’re a disappointment.’ 


My name is Aarit and I am confused. I killed a man of my own nationality to be one of ‘them’ whom we call terrorists, the evil minded; to save those who planned an equally evil idea – the prominent leaders of my country: to be one of ‘them’ at any cost. 

Who is wrong!!! Who is right!!! What is love – is love an infatuation towards a religion like those so called unnamed بدون نام or is love defined as to protecting our Mother land by killing one of our own, in the case of mine 
I changed names – Aron, Aarif, Aarit, religions, stabbed my girlfriend, shot one of my own, 9 of my own got killed for no reason, 18 were left paralyzed or mutilated. Isn’t it too much of a ‘cost’ to be one of ‘them’. 

Yes, I am a big disappointment.  


Friday 4 August 2017

Jab WE met in Paris

I landed Paris in the perfect month of June and reached Bateau Parisienscentral Paris, located at the foot of Eiffel Tower to enjoy the most beautiful Parisian boulevards along the river Seine. I love to be with Bateau Parisiens whenever I go to Paris to save my ass from my father: their services are just marvelous.  

I booked Le Bretagne which happened to be my favorite in the list of their 'Restaurant Boats' , and I always descend to reach the aft, just to relish the beautiful moments a bit longer in solitude. I was keeping an eye on every passing serenity which was tranquilizing my soul from within, and I happened to meet 'her'. 

"At the aft, and that too in a Restaurant Boat?" The inquiry came out of curiosity and also because I did my schooling from a Boys' School then Mechanical Engineering, as soon as she reached within my proximity. 
"Hmm." She took a sip from her glass and let the rest of it flow from her glass staring somewhere in the sky and ignored me perfectly. I am used to getting ignored by beautiful girls, but this was way above. 
I decided to turn away and enjoy what I paid for, but she was way beautiful to be ignored. Her ruffled hairs were irritating her, but she was careless enough to let that beautify her even more. Her doe-eyed made it more irresistible to not look at her. Her beauty was getting aggrandized by each passing moment.  

"Hi, I am Anaaya," She said while placing the empty glass carelessly and her hands reaching out to mine, "I am sorry, I was just lost." 
"That's perfectly fine, I know I am handsome." I used my wit to be insulted soon only.
"But you're fat," She trolled me the very next second, "What do you do?" 
"I do nothing, but I have just cleared ACET..." I kept praying not to get trolled again. 
"Really! but you're fat," she started laughing with her innocent eyes teary making it more glittery. 

She trolled me again. 

really need to know how is being fat related to your intelligence; what if neither Bill Gates, Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg are fat. 

We gelled quite well: she was trolling me and I was getting trolled. We exchanged our contacts before we bade adieu each other. Thanks to Mark's intelligence we were able to contact each other on Facebook. 
She teased me every single time we chatted whether I really cracked ACET or it was just to impress her; I bloody cracked it and I told to impress her, but I couldn't tell her that. Our friendship grew stronger day by day, and on one fine day she asked if I am committed to any girl or BOY. Her questions always showed her prowess to troll anyone, and I was stunned by the question which I couldn't really answer to her instantly, definitely not because I am gay, but committed to a girl or not.

It was a complex thing to say – on one hand I liked her immensely, and on the other hand I wasn't ready to love her the way I would have wanted to or might be she was asking it genuinely, but my heart never agreed for the later thought. She was a queen and I knew I couldn't have afforded to treat her like one. I didn't know whether I was making a mistake or not but I held a belief that I would marry a girl only if I could make and keep her like a queen, sounds childish – yes it is!!! 

"Yeah, her name is Arshini... and... she is quite happy to have me," I lied to her. 
"I bet she must be chubby," She trolled me again, "because you could make her laugh all day." At least she appreciated my jocular adroitness. 

We still share a real bond which is way above than friendship, which is selfless, not demanding, not complaining. We haven't met after our Paris's sightseeing. I respect her, and she still trolls me even though I am fit enough (I am still not having six packs)working for Gardner Rich and Co. (Intelligent! Isn't it). 

Was it wrong or was it right? Should love or practicality of life be given chance? Whether I deserved her or not, whether she liked me or not, should I have lied? Some questions are unanswered, it's better to speak up, and work your ass off to get what you want, and how you want – most importantly – do you really want it?